Developing Kingdom Leaders – Tom Yeakley

Taking the Mystery out of Leadership

Archive for the tag “Bitterness”

28 Jul 2025

Trusting Others

In Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT we read, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”  Before we can trust people, we must trust in the Lord and His good and perfect plans for me and for us all.  People will constantly be giving us reasons not to trust them deeply, but if God reigns over all, I can forgive others quickly and move forward without being derailed by bitterness or a critical spirit.

But you say, “Yes, I do trust God deeply because He is good, sinless, and loves me unconditionally.  But that’s not true of people who are often looking out for their own good, do sin against me, and tend to love me only when I do what they approve of.”  I agree.  People can be hard to trust because trust is both given and earned.  And when trust is eroded due to untrustworthy behavior, it can be hard to trust again.  Forgiveness of those who wrong me is key to my freedom from bitterness.

Jesus addressed this when Peter asked Him about forgiving those who wronged him.  In Matthew 18:21-22 NLT we see, “Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”  “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!” 

As we co-labor, we will often find others who act in ways that further their personal purposes without thinking about the broader impact on other co-laborers or our organization as a whole.  They may be very convinced about a certain way of ministry to accomplish our mission and vision that is different from yours.  These differences can cause a lack of trust and lead to judgmental attitudes and critical spirits.  Soon, factions and divisions form and trust is lost.

When moving to Indonesia many years ago, we were trained in the saying, “Not wrong, just different.”  Exposure to new cross-cultural norms could cause us to be condemning and critical of the host culture we were trying to impact for Christ.  Better to withhold judgement, be slow to speak and quick to listen, and remember that ‘wisdom is justified by all her children’ (see Luke 7:35).  More exposure and understanding can help us avoid a condemning attitude.

So, rather than presuming that ‘different’ is ‘wrong,’ ask questions with phrases like, “I see this, can you please help me understand…” Don’t presume motives or ignorance until you understand the new context better.  Position yourself as a learner to the new context and ask questions to gain better understanding.  Seek to understand rather than be understood.  Gaining a better understanding often clarifies the “why.”

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24 Aug 2020

Ouch – That Hurts!

Jesus was betrayed by one of His leaders in training.  He spent three years with Judas, investing in him, training him and giving him every opportunity to contribute with the others.  Yet he took the love Christ extended and turned it into rebellion.  That must have hurt!

When we serve with or for others, sacrificing and giving our all, we assume their acceptance and support.  When we extend ourselves in the service of others we assume a gratefulness for our efforts.  It can come as a shock when our efforts are not recognized, appreciated or are overlooked as insignificant.  Ouch, that hurts!

What to do when our best efforts are ignored, unappreciated or worse, put down and dismissed by our leaders or supervisors?  How do we respond when those we trust disappoint us or show a side of themselves that we assumed and expected better from them?  How do we react when we get our feelings hurt or when our expectations of others are not met?

First, it’s time to reset our perspective and expectations of others.  There is no perfect leader.  We are all people in process.   Our leaders are imperfect people and so are we.  Don’t place unrealistic expectations on them that they cannot meet.  Most are simply doing the best they can with what they have.

Secondly, if there really is a wrong that has been done, go to them privately and explain your hurt and disappointment without casting blame.  Decide to forgive them whether they admit wrong and ask for forgiveness or not.  And when they ask for forgiveness, give it.  Beware of harboring an unforgiving spirit that can turn to a root of bitterness and defile you.  (see Hebrews 12:15)

Third, remember that the Lord has placed you in this context and under this leadership.  He will not allow anyone to frustrate His good and perfect plans for you.  Jacob was cheated by his father-in-law who changed his wages ten times!  Yet he testifies that God protected him from harm. (see Genesis 31: 7)  Joseph was sold into slavery, falsely accused of attempted rape by Potiphar’s wife and imprisoned.  Yet he testifies to his brothers that though they and others meant it for evil, God intended it for good. (Genesis 50:20)  Nothing touches us outside of God’s good and perfect will.  Rest in Him and His sovereignty in all things – those that feel good and those that don’t.

Lastly, check your attitudes and motives.  Are you serving for the reward and recognition you hope to receive?  Are you working hard in the hopes of climbing an organizational chart?  Are you serving for the praise of others or are you serving Him who never forgets your labor on His behalf?  (see Colossians 3:23-24 and Hebrews 6:10)

We all will be disappointed in our leaders and most likely, get hurt – it’s a matter of when, not if.  But it is how we respond that can make it a growth and development opportunity for us.  How are you doing on your journey and your relationship with your leadership?

PS  A Primer for Kingdom Leaders:  100 Reflections for Improving Your Leadership – A collection of 100 of my most popular blogs – compiled, edited and available for FREE download.  See Tom’s Books page above to download.

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07 Jan 2019

Beware of the Root of Bitterness

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled…   Hebrews 12:15  (ESV)

Life will bring wounds and hurts from others, even those we love and who love us.  It’s the nature of the fall and the curse that we now live under.  Though Kingdom people have been saved by God’s grace and mercy, we are still people in process, being conformed into the image of Christ daily.  To expect to never hurt or be hurt-wounded by another, even those who are followers of Christ, is unrealistic and only setting ourselves up for great disappointment.

When wounded by another we have a choice to make.  We can choose to forgive the offending party or we can harbor this wound, cultivate it, letting it take root in our souls.  This wound now becomes a ‘generalized infection’ within us and poisons our life.  Someone has said, “Harboring bitterness is like drinking poison thinking it will hurt the other person.”  How foolish of us, yet many still hang onto past memories and hurts, dwelling on them and letting these control our emotional well-being.

God’s solution for relational hurts and wounds is forgiveness.  It frees the offended person from the bitterness and the pain of the offense.  While we may not be able to forget the offense, the pain of it is removed.  Much like a physical scar can bring to mind past injuries, when the scar it touched there is no associated pain.

The only way possible to be free from past wounds is to forgive others.  And the only possible way to forgive others is to first, fully understand how much we have been forgiven.  Jesus reminds us that those who have been forgiven much love much (see Luke 7:47).

Is there some offense that you have been clinging too that has taken root and bears toxic fruit in your heart?  Release that offense and forgive the offender, knowing that you have been forgiven a much, much larger debt due to your sin against the God Himself.  The truth will set you free!

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